Personals Ad

In a fit of boredom, I posted this on a "dating" site.  I'll add any interesting responses I get too.  I need help coming up with a teaser tho!!

(Current header - Are you literate and sarcastic?)

I'm not a nice girl but I can fake it in more ways than one. I've seen sixteen Marx Brothers Films but prefer Mel Brooks. I'm 5 feet 4 when I wear my ugly black shoes. I once weighed 128 pounds. I'm more than 18 but less than 100 years old. I have one child of the human persuasion and four others who are much hairier but don't live in the house. I only smoke things I can grow myself.  I like drinks that taste like candy, but don't like being so drunk I throw up, that's just icky.  

I am looking for a man who is willing to let me do anything I feel like, whenever I feel like and who will worship the very toilet paper I use. You must be able to back up a large truck & trailer, be over 6'1-1/2" and under 6'3" so as to reach things on tall shelves for me but not hit your head repeatedly on low door jambs. Must have excellent income and be willing to give it all to me and live on the occasional coins I lose in the wash. Must do all the dishes or own a minimum 1800 square foot home on at least 10 acres, with built in Whirlpool appliances all in stainless steel. Smoking is fine as long as you do it outside, in the bathroom or somewhere else away from me; I inherit everything in your will; and you brush your teeth with cinnamon flavored toothpaste after every puff. I can hunt, clean and prepare my own deer but I cannot open a can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls because the muffled pop makes me jump.

I promise to love you conditionally, not steal all the covers or fart in public when I'm with you.

Still reading? If you're literate (if you don't know what that means, you're NOT) and love sarcasm, puns, short sassy women, and you're not hung up on body style or makeup, keep going. If you're allergic to animals, the outdoors or children, stop. I'm employed and expect you to be as well (unless you inherited millions and still have at least some of it). Kids are fine in limited doses, but I get sufficient drama watching "Grey's Anatomy".  Ihave a faux farm and own and ride horses.  I can tolerate a city boy just fine but up front you might as well know I have mud on my boots most of the time and it's entirely possible that my truck is bigger than yours.  Get over it!  Life's too short to put up with whiners, alcoholics, unemployed jerks or hypochondriacs so I try not to be one either.  Please reply with a current photo of yourself, NOT Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp – unless you happen to BE one of them.

Spam test - respond accurately to this reference - "Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!"