Angst and Engineer Speak
In the immortal words of Larry McMurtry, “I had acquired an independent depression….it came from a place of Fogs and Depressions…” (Ian and Pete with their eidetic recollections can begin spewing out literature directly from the page at which point I lifted this…. Perhaps one of them will be so kind as to fill in the paragraph as my memory is abysmal.)
(Where the heck does a period go – inside or outside the parentheses? Does it belong at all? Grammar checker on Microsoft Word does not seem to recognize either usage. I’ll keep ‘em corralled for now.)
This despair seems to best describe my current state. After seeing a fantastic performance of “Phantom of the Opera” at Miller Auditorium last night, I noticed that I have been realizing some things about my emotions that I would typically try to ignore in favor of more pleasant things. There is a definite circuit that I have managed to, if not completely rewire, at least re-direct. Phantom was not a catalyst, more likely just another conduit for my thoughts, plus I had a 40-minute ride home without the distraction of driving, so I could coalesce some of these ideas.
Example – lately, my depression has been trying to win the battle for my soul. So, in order to circumvent it, whenever I feel like crying, I just *squash it severely and remind myself that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But, last night I began to wonder, is it really making me more durable, or is it just making me harder?
Another pattern – most times when I begin to think about the past, and what path(s) I might have taken, if those thoughts begin to be melancholy, embarrassing or negative in any way I firmly crush them, by literally saying out loud “No, go away! Think about x instead” (x being usually horses since it seems that they, along with dogs are the most non-judgmental beings I know. Cats, humans and machines are another story).
In what seems a straight-line form of reason, the absence of negative thoughts should leave only positive ones, right? News flash – apparently all I learned about logic (which admittedly can comfortably occupy a teaspoon) is not true! It seems that my independent depression is somewhat like the universe – it is everywhere, knows no bounds, obeys no rules and basically does whatever the hell it wants to do.
{Odd, I was going to use initials so I don’t have to type ‘independent depression’ over and over, but using the capital letters makes it into ID. Identification (thesaurus: recognition, empathy, credentials, discovery.) Or, ID as self. So am I using depression to identify myself? I think so, at least for now. Hence the title of this blog}
Introspection makes me gloomy. I know people who have gone their entire lives quite happily without attempting to see what makes them tick. Others seem to thrive on angst and woe. USL and LSL – upper spec limit and lower spec limit. Happiness specs. I’ve been hanging out with engineers for too long. I could create intricate charts to illustrate my specs. According to engineering standards, if you ask “why” five times in a direct line you get to the root cause. More on that later.
(Where the heck does a period go – inside or outside the parentheses? Does it belong at all? Grammar checker on Microsoft Word does not seem to recognize either usage. I’ll keep ‘em corralled for now.)
This despair seems to best describe my current state. After seeing a fantastic performance of “Phantom of the Opera” at Miller Auditorium last night, I noticed that I have been realizing some things about my emotions that I would typically try to ignore in favor of more pleasant things. There is a definite circuit that I have managed to, if not completely rewire, at least re-direct. Phantom was not a catalyst, more likely just another conduit for my thoughts, plus I had a 40-minute ride home without the distraction of driving, so I could coalesce some of these ideas.
Example – lately, my depression has been trying to win the battle for my soul. So, in order to circumvent it, whenever I feel like crying, I just *squash it severely and remind myself that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But, last night I began to wonder, is it really making me more durable, or is it just making me harder?
Another pattern – most times when I begin to think about the past, and what path(s) I might have taken, if those thoughts begin to be melancholy, embarrassing or negative in any way I firmly crush them, by literally saying out loud “No, go away! Think about x instead” (x being usually horses since it seems that they, along with dogs are the most non-judgmental beings I know. Cats, humans and machines are another story).
In what seems a straight-line form of reason, the absence of negative thoughts should leave only positive ones, right? News flash – apparently all I learned about logic (which admittedly can comfortably occupy a teaspoon) is not true! It seems that my independent depression is somewhat like the universe – it is everywhere, knows no bounds, obeys no rules and basically does whatever the hell it wants to do.
{Odd, I was going to use initials so I don’t have to type ‘independent depression’ over and over, but using the capital letters makes it into ID. Identification (thesaurus: recognition, empathy, credentials, discovery.) Or, ID as self. So am I using depression to identify myself? I think so, at least for now. Hence the title of this blog}
Introspection makes me gloomy. I know people who have gone their entire lives quite happily without attempting to see what makes them tick. Others seem to thrive on angst and woe. USL and LSL – upper spec limit and lower spec limit. Happiness specs. I’ve been hanging out with engineers for too long. I could create intricate charts to illustrate my specs. According to engineering standards, if you ask “why” five times in a direct line you get to the root cause. More on that later.
posted by 40angst @ 2:41 PM
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